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Friday

Subtle Hint

This goes out to the guys.

I've had primarily male friends the majority of my life, so I'm assuming at least one of you Assholes reads me.

Men lack subtly, like me.

Men's inability to read subtly is why I'm here, for my ladies, to club you Mother Effer's in the head, for them.

Listen Up Boys...
It's a fact. You like us ladies. You have too. We're softer than you, and, despite all your hardness, You Like Soft.

Keep Us Ladies Happy by doing ONE THING...

TAKE YOUR LADIES OUT
It doesn't matter where you go or what you do (well, some of you I worry extra hard about here), but get them the fuck out!

AND, NO, the Home Depot is not OUT.

Look, you knuckle heads, ladies need the same things a flower needs, (we're fucking delicate) a little sunlight and fresh air.

Take your gal OUT, on trip to the grocery store to pick fabulous food items for  YOU TO COOK, for her. Ladies like parks, and walks, and dinner, and museums, and getting the fuck out of the house.

Can I be anymore clear?

I don't know,

Sometimes you need to be clubbed over the head.
Men are not the best with subtly.

I'm gonna wrap this up now, because I also know, you dudes can't be expected to pay attention to "chick shit" for too long either!
HA! I love my boys!!

Thursday

Dark Overlord

ssshhhh....
I didn't want to have to do this, BUT
If you are receiving this, it is likely already too late...
The Dark overlords have taken over.


Open YOUR EYES people!!
examples are everywhere...

You've seen it... I know it...

They make us pay astronomical prices to "adopt" their foot soldiers.
I have tried to trace the money, but it is moved too quickly, and it is a NEVER Ending supply. They just send out an entire new crew of soldiers to be "adopted" again! They just keep coming!!!

They then work to wear you down and make you divulge your secrets. You are put in a room and forced to fill out miles and miles of paperwork. If the paperwork does not lull you into submission, they WILL send out an inspector.

The inspector comes to your home to verify you will be a "good fit". This is what they will say. What They ARE doing is surveying your home as a possible landing zone. A jumping off point for the rest of their mission.

Once they infiltrate our homes the indoctrination program begins.

They slowly teach you how to care and house them, and you'll be willing. Then, before you know it, BAM!!! They will have you trained!

I know this sounds crazy, but they will actually have you follow them around town (as they continue to survey and observe) picking up their poop!!! I know, crazy!!

I've seen it done!!

You will be forced to pick up their poo AND THEN, they will MAKE YOU wrap it!!

They don't stop there, the entire time you will think you are doing it for you!!!

They are good.

I am here to warn you...

.....
.....
......Hello? Is somebody there?
....AAAHHHHHH!!!!!....

Help me D.OH.G one you're my only hope...


Wednesday

Milburn

I love my kiddo's and enjoy telling them stories. It's a good thing since they're pretty insistent.

So this may come off as self gratuitous, if you feel that, I'm sorry. I just love this little guy and I want him to be known.

I do have a children's book published.
Sounds fancy, OOHHH... AAAAhhhh.... fan fair...
Not really.
I will likely never make any money from it.
The market is over saturated, Hollywood has taken over the world with ghost writers to ensure they keep their fame going even in writing (seriously, snooki has a "book"?), I don't know or do beans about marketing, and maybe the story is boring?...
I don't know why, and I don't care anymore.

I don't care because, no matter what, I still love my guy Milburn...

Milburn is an old English name.
The Macaroni penguin was named by English sailors in the 18th century.

These sailors spotted the penguins and decided they looked like maccaroni.
That IS maccaroni, and it doesn't stand for the pasta.
You see, these English sailors thought, "he's so fancy, you already know", that they wanted to name him after a song!
No, not that song...
They actually equated this level of fancy to their day's metrosexuals!
Let me explain better,
The song Yankee Doodle is about these so fancy guys, too!
"...stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni."

This line refers to the American soldier's being so fashion challenged, they would actually make this tiny gesture of sticking a mere a feather in their cap and then dare call themselves as high fashion as the young, rich, aristocratic, Englishmen of the time, the maccoronis. Those damn Yankees!

Not to be outdone by these Englishmen though, Milburn has his own sense of fashion and daringly wears his bright red scarf to all penguin functions.

Milburn is frightful. He's got a lot on his mind. Wouldn't you be if you were near extinction?

He's a kid. He wanders off and he forgets to eat. KIDS!!

His mind is filled with the scary things that are natural to his environment. They're all part of a delicate chain and they're all becoming endangered. How's that for scary.

Milburn's favorite meal is krill. The Macaroni Penguin's favorite meal is krill, at least until they get a sushi bar, I'm sure.

Milburn's mommy loves him. The Macaroni Penguin lives in a tight family.

SO here is my little fella...
Milburn the Macaroni Penguin is my sweet little fancy pants.
I'm his mommy too, and I love him.

I also love Dax my Bedraggled Donkey and my The Little One... Maybe one day they'll get out there?
Maybe one day my kiddo's will do something about them... they are becoming quite the artist's and I do need illustrators...

Maybe I'm being too self gratuitous again.

or Maybe not.

OR
Maybe they will only be known by my kiddo's, because I'm their mommy and I love them too and I really love to tell them stories.

Tuesday

Home On The Range

Home, home on the range...

... Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the sky is not cloudy all day...

Ahh, the open air, the freedom of solitude out on the range.

When my little one was new to the talking game, I tried out a joke with her, she would deliver my punchline.

"Honey, how much cents do you have?" I would ask
"No sense at all," she would respond.

She could have been a fantastic party trick for me!
The husband cut me off.  He wouldn't let me use the kiddo as a punchline. So annoying!
Actually, thank god he was there.
I've been there for him too.
We're a team.

Raising kids makes rustling cows look easy, not to mention the smell!

There is no solitude in raising kids.

I hitched my wagon to a good cowboy.

Some people hitch their wagons wrong.
They "get hitched" to dogs, chickens, or bulls, or worst yet, a jackass.

This is not only sad, it makes no sense?

You're gonna be home on that range for a long time, why would you choose to be there with a lame duck?

 Choose a good parent.
"Choose a good daddy."
This is my new punchline to my kiddo's life.

Me -"How will you know he's a good man to marry?"
Kiddo's - "Choose a good daddy!"

A good daddy will want to be a good husband to keep his little home on the range not cloudy all day.
It just makes cents.

Monday

Me a Sitcom

Fade in:
 Introduction. Cold Open,     Bathroom     -- Afternoon

Camera is fixed on screaming mouth of mother outside bathroom door.
“You don’t have the guts!” She continues to taunt, “why don’t you just do it already! Put us all out of our misery.”

Camera view changes to the inside of the bathroom,

We see a young girl staring at herself in the mirror. The camera view changes to the perspective of the girl, Our Hero, she is staring at her face in the mirror. Her arms are down near the sink, out of view.
“Fuck you, I will.” She whispers once to herself and then yells it at the top of her lungs.
She makes slicing motions in the direction of her wrists out of view still.
The camera pans down to Our Hero’s wrists where you can see her trying over and over to slice her wrists with a lady bic, it does nothing. The camera fads.

(laughter)

Scene 2     Bathroom, to hallway, to bedroom – A while later that same day

We watch as Our Hero looks out the bathroom door to ensure the coast is clear, then sneaks from the bathroom, to the hall, to her bedroom. Her door closes extremely quietly behind her.

Scene 3 Mothers bedroom – A while later that same day

The mother is sitting up in her bed. She is in pajamas, in the middle of the day. She is taking pills. She looks lost in sadness and thought.
Cut to Our hero’s bedroom. Our hero is sitting up in bed also. She is crying quietly and keeps looking up at the door, hoping her mother will come in and talk it out. The camera pans to the door and stays there for a really long time. The audience knows her mother will not come, the audience is filled with sadness.

(aaawwww)

The camera cuts to Our Hero making ridiculous smiling poses in the mirror.

(laughter)

Music cue’s

Scene 4 Downstairs, in the kitchen, holding the phone -- That Evening

Our Hero is holding the phone to make a phone call. She looks in her phone book. The camera cuts to the phone book pages as our hero leafs through the pages. Our Hero looks at blank pages in all the category sections; Church – empty, School – Empty, Relatives, there are two listings. They both say Grandma in the beginning. She chooses one, and starts to dial.
The camera cuts out to Our Hero sliding down the wall onto her butt, as the receiver clicks in acceptance on the other end of the phone.
Our Hero is nervous, “Hello? Grandma? It’s your Granddaughter. I know I’ve never called before, but…”
We watch Our Hero look surprised, then a little happy, a then terribly sad.

(aaawwww)

“Okay then, maybe another time.” Our Hero eeks out, “yeah, I love you too!”
Our Hero stands up and hangs up the phone. A tear streams down her cheek. “Not even worth the time of a lame brained senior citizen, awesome.” She laughs at herself and the leaves the room. The camera fades.

(laughter) 

Scene 5     Jr. High School Campus, -- The Next Day

The camera view cuts to the inside of an, obvious, English classroom in progress. The students are starting to take turns, in order, to read. The camera then pans to Our Hero.

Our Hero Voice Over, we are again inside Our Hero’s head.
 One, two, three,… Okay, I’m sixth… The more we told Dill about the Radley’s,…

The camera pans back to the readers and then the classroom. We see the class listening intently. The camera pans closer and closer to Our Hero. The Audience starts to realize Our Hero is rereading her paragraph over and over and not listening to the the readers.

The camera cuts to a moment later and we hear Our Hero read the last few words of her paragraph to read, “The more he would wonder.” Our Hero then looks up with a nervous smile. The rest of classroom does not notice and everybody quickly moves on. The next person starts to read.

Our Hero Voice Over
 Nailed it! (then goes back to rereading the paragraph she was assigned to read again, ignoring the reader.) after a few rereads Our Hero starts reading the paragraph in a southern drawl, The mower we tol Diyall ‘bout the Redleey’s…

(laughter) 

Scene 6, Our Hero’s Bedroom, Later That Night

We open to Our Hero sitting on her bed listening to good music. Her mother yells from across the hall, “Will you come here please?”

Camera cuts to Our Hero standing in the door frame looking inside her mothers bedroom. Her mother is in pajamas again, and sitting up in bed again.
“I’m sorry we fought yesterday.” Her mother looks up apologetically at Our Hero.
“I’m sorry too.” Our Hero whispers back.
“I thought you said you were gonna kill yourself?” Her mother says with sarcasm and guilt.
“Yeah, I didn’t have the guts.” Our Hero says with a small smile.
“Okay, well I gotta go to sleep now, I work tonight, of course.” Her mother laments.
“Okay, good night, I love you.” Our Hero says.
Her mother does not respond.
The camera cuts to her mother with outstretched arms, waiting for a hug.
Our Hero hugs her mom. They embrace for a few moments. The mom pulls away first.

“Okay, now goodnight.” Her mother insists.
“Okay, goodnight.” Our Hero says, on her way out her mothers bedroom door. Camera fades.

The camera cuts to Our Hero, almost entering her bedroom, when she tilts her head as hears her mother. 
“Oh, Honey!” Her mother yells.
Our Hero, looks up, excited and happy, she turns and looks back into her mother's room through the door frame, her mother is laying in her bed. Her mothers tilts her head up slightly, to say something meaningful, their eyes meet.
“Yes?” Our Hero asks excitedly.
“Shut my door please,” her mom says through tired eyes as she lays her head onto the pillow.

The door closes.


End of Cold Open